We spoke, of love, of silly secrets. There were tears, tickles, sex and laughter. I told her about a girl I had grown quite fond of. It was eating me up inside, not telling her. She said that she always figured I had an attraction to her.
We speak openly of these things, generally. Attraction is natural. Even open relationships are normal, if you let it be, and ignore what others say. She trusts me, more than I do, and is comfortable with the situation. She understands and accepts me more than anyone I’ve ever known, and I love her for that. I am learning, what love is. What love means.To accept, not only your partner, but yourself, unconditionally.
We even spoke of children. With a lump in my throat, I spoke of my insecurities, my concerns, my fears. She said I’d make an amazing father. Most/many? men aren’t, or don’t feel ready until it is already set in stone, then they step up to the plate 100%. I feel I’m one of those men.
Oh what a strange life. Listening to and honouring the heart, while not hurting others seems to be the foundation of what it’s all about. Which is not to imply that it’s all that simple. Life is complicated, indeed.
"It is extraordinary how near we are to our deeper being. It’s just a thought away. And the thoughts that take us away from it create so much suffering."
- Ram Dass
Oh, I am a sensitive being.
I went out on a walk to pick up a pita for dinner (didn’t want to cook), and on the way back this man asked me something-or-rather, and I didn’t fully hear him. I stopped and looked at something he was handing at me and I saw it say something about “creation-this-or-that..”. I said “oh no, I’m fine thank you”, to which he replied something along the lines of “often times we think we’re fine, but often times we’re not.”
I should have just said “no, thank you”, and continued walking. We got into talking, and I said something to the effect of “I treat everyone with respect, like my brother and sister. I have a big heart, and so I don’t see myself as what you call a sinner. Perhaps our beliefs aren’t so dissimilar, perhaps we are different pages in the same book”.
We got to talking about how three of his brothers have died, how he almost died in a car crash. All these intense subjects in a short time frame (we talked for maybe twenty some-odd minutes, while the sun was setting). It was one thing after the other. I felt my stomach tighten up. I reminded myself to breathe.
I told him I have a hard time believing we are sinners from the minute we are born. I told him that we are blank canvases when we are born. He said he has sons and that he could argue that point. I said that we are here to make mistakes, to learn from them. Otherwise, how are we to know?
We (he) talked about hell, and I mentioned something about purgatory, upon which he clarified that that is a Catholic belief, and made a reference like they didn’t know the truth. I said, putting my hand on my heart, “I mean this with all due respect, but isn’t that kind of like the kettle calling the pot black?” How is he to know that the Catholic religion isn’t teaching “the truth”? How does he know that his religion (Baptist) is speaking the truth? Nobody knows.
I am so sensitive to people’s strong convictions. I shell out my energy into their empty bucket, just trying to get them to see me as one of them, minus the whole belief thing. I just want everyone to get along. I just want love; to give and receive.
So now, I am trying to be like a duck and shake it off.
..and then there were three.
With the right nourishment and proper environment - with both sun and rain - the tree will bloom, beautifully.
Today, I woke up with the name Benvolio in my head. I don’t know where it came from, and having looked the name up, I discovered it was from William Shakespeare’s drama Romeo and Juliet. Benvolio is Montague’s nephew and Romeo’s cousin. Benvolio serves as an unsuccessful peacemaker in the play, attempting to prevent violence between the Capulet and Montague families.
The name Benvolio means “good-will” or “well-wisher” or “Peacemaker” which is a role he fills, to some degree, as a peace-maker and Romeo’s friend.
I hadn’t read or heard anything about Romeo and Juliet for some years, so it is quite random.
While prepping away in the kitchen at work, I went into a relaxed state and had a few clear thoughts come to me. I can only imagine this was because I spent a good deal of my day before work doing some meditation.
One of the things I remembered was a dream I had three or four days ago. I was in a small town in the foothills of the Appalachian mountains. I was talking with these young kids - no older than thirteen years old - telling them that they can leave this town if they want to. I told them that they don’t have to be mining all their lives. As I was telling them, I had tears welling up in my eyes. I felt connected to them, and responsible for them. I wanted them to see their own self-worth, and understand that they can create a happier life for themselves if they truly wanted to. I recalled the emotion I felt in the dream and it came back to me while at work.
Meditating this morning, I felt my mind go to that clear place, which took some time. “That place” was quite brief. Always snapping back once I realize I am there. I had the image of my old sous-chef come to mind, and though it would be slightly nerve-wracking to go see her, I decided that I was going to anyhow.
She was as happy as could be when she saw me walk into the restaurant. We talked for a good while and I got to see an old co-worker who is now working with her as well. They are good people, and I am glad that I listened to the call to go see them.
Afterward, I went and sat by the fountain, where the “rowdy, ruff and tumble kids” usually hang out. I was sitting in the beautiful sunshine, listening to the splashing water, the passing cars and chorus of voices. I stayed with my breath, in through the nose, out through the mouth. Breathing in love, exhaling compassion.
Last night, in the late (or early) hours, I was roused with my hand roaming, pressing and rubbing against her. I don’t know who started the whole fiasco but her fingers were pressing on top of mine, guiding my hand. She reached her bliss, and we both fell back asleep, with me pressing hard against her.
I am a mountain, I am a tall tree,
Oh, I am a swift wind, sweeping the country.
I am a river down in the valley,
Oh, I’m a vision and I can see clearly.
If anybody asks you who I am,
Just stand up tall, look ‘em in the face and say:
I am a giant! I am an eagle!
Oh, I am a lion down in the jungle!
I am a marching band, I am the people!
Oh, I am a helping hand, I am a hero!
I’m that mountain peak up high!
I’m that star up in the sky!
Hey, I made it! I’m the world’s greatest!
I’m that little bit of hope
With my back against the ropes,
I can feel it, I’m the world’s greatest!
Buddha was asked “what have you gained from meditation?” He replied “Nothing! However, let me tell you what I have lost: anger, anxiety, depression, insecurity, fear of old age and death.”